Heywood Herald Vol. II

Whoa, we're nearing the end of the month and we all know what that means: Heywood Herald Time! In this edition, we're going to cover important issues, clear some dirty air and, of course, announce the all-important roommate of the month.

ISSUES

Issue #1: How many people can comfortably use my bathroom? With the recent renovations to Cohlby's bathroom, my water house has become the social hub of the Forest Moon of Endor. Lonely? Need someone to talk to? Try my bathroom! There's at least 6 people, an Ewok and my underwear in there. "It's a lot of fun," John Nicholson, a graduate student from Dallas, said, "It's like I never left the lacrosse locker room."

Issue #2: A real hole in the wall... Remember that wall that used to be in the living room? Now I walk in the living room and feel lost and aimless, what should I do?

Issue #3: Bears. They are godless killing machines.

Issue #4: Cohlby and I sharing a bed. I woke up this morning and Cohlby and I were about an inch away and facing each other. I couldn't help but notice how peaceful he looked as his hot breath caressed my shoulders. Then I had a dream that Cohlby was a pirate and my dong was his pegleg.

WHACKY CONTEST:

I'm challenging each of you to come up with the best prank to play on that new guy that's moving in, Writer McNotkat...or whatever his name is. The winner will be given a definite leg up for the August ROTM Award. Originality and creativity will be taken into consideration, so get plotting!

HeyWood Ya?!

We here at the Herald have decided to rename our Suggestions section "HeyWood Ya?!" So here we go:

• John: Now that you have a job, start bringing home food for the rest of us, HeyWood Ya?!
• Kat: It seems my plea last month for more hot friends has been overlooked. So we playing the opposite game here or what? Fine, bring less hot friends, HeyWood Ya?!
• Cohlby: HeyWood Ya mind getting your own damn room. And one more thing, don't kiss me in the morning. Your breath is unforgivable.
  

ROTM (Roommate of the Month)

OK. No more wasting your time, here's the moment you've been waiting for. Your votes are in and the Roommate of the Month award goes too.......Cohlby's Mom!!!!!!!! Providing seemingly endless support (and food) for every one in the house, Carrie is hands down the most valuable roommate out of any of the recipients of this e-mail*. So make sure you thank her this week for your full belly and lifted spirit. IMPORTANT: Please note that Mark Youtsey is not in contention for this award, otherwise no one else could ever win. That guy could organize a merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen...while palming a medicine ball...and doing the makeup for the Planet of The Apes movies.

*NOTE: I don't receive this e-mail.

Farewell

Lastly, the editors here at The Heywood Herald would like to extend an Adios to one of our earliest subscribers, Kat Walker. We'll sure miss you around here Kat. Good night, and good luck.

Cheers.

Originally written 7/24/08