Heywood Herald Vol. III

Great News! The Heywood Herald now has the highest readership of any home specific newsletter on Heywood Avenue! And it's all thanks to you, dear readers. Without you, we at the Herald would be writing this for absolutely no reason.

THIS MONTH IN REVIEW

• Wheel in the sky keeps on turning... Forest Moon of Endor residents didn't stop believing this month as they attended the Journey concert in late July. "Remember in that Outkast song when they talked about 'eargasms'? I never knew what that meant until the concert," John Nicholson, a graduate student from Dallas said. "I probably could've scored with one of the Heart chicks, if only Scott would have had my back."
• The Dragon Has Been Slain! She-who-must-not-be-named (censored)
• Kick Me in the Walls... Construction continues this month as the Youtsey's have knocked down nearly every wall in the damn house.
• Out With the Old... We here at the Herald would like to express a warm welcome to Heywood's newest resident, Andrew...Something.
• Joke of the Month...John told Scott he should compete in the olympics wearing Jean Shorts lasered together by NASA. Great joke, John. Topical and believable.
• Mark Youtsey Fun Fact...Mark Youtsey won Connect 4 in three moves.

BO'S BEAT
I sat down with Bo the Pitbull for an exclusive interview. Since Bo spends more time at the house than anyone, I knew he would give insightful answers.

Q: "Bo, what's it like being a dog here at the Forest Moon of Endor?"
A: "(pant)(pant)(pant) (bite blankey) (crotch sniff)."

HEYWOOD YA?!
HeyWood Ya believe summer is almost over? With school back in full swing and temperatures on the decline, some of you roomies may be looking for ways to be, I don't know....better. More Scott-like. More divine. Here's how you can do it:

• John: Get your damn clothes out of the dryer HeyWood Ya?! So help me God, the next time I have to pull your been-in-there-three-days clothes out of the dryer, I will shove a wine bottle up your ass and kick you til it breaks!
• Andrew: HeyWood ya Buy This. That's right. Contemporary Christian Pop culture at its finest, and just as always, three years behind the trend.
• Cohlby: HeyWood ya mind sweeping the remnants of my car window out of the driveway?!

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Herald Staff,
Longtime reader, first-time writer. I was wondering how you make the Herald so spectacular every month. You are miraculous and I couldn't do a better job.

Love,
Jesus and the Prophet Muhammad writing together because your newsletter has unified us and the world.

Thanks for the nice letter, Jesus and Muhammad. Always good to hear from fans. Our team takes pride in providing the absolute best Heywood information every month. The Heywood Herald is "spectacular" because our editor is spectacular.

ROTM
This month's roommate of the month award goes to...........SCOTT! That's right, Scott Nichols becomes the first ever two-time recipient of the coveted roommate of the month award. Cohlby and Andrew finished a near second because they collectively provided surround sound to the living room, but hey, it's roommate of the month, not roommateS of the month. We at the Herald selected Scott because of his selfless attempt to switch to the Green Mountain Energy Company — a company dedicated to delivering the cleanest energy and carbon offset solutions.

Sure it costs a little more, but Scott understands the difference one person, one home, one electric bill can make. And when he drunkenly signed up for it at the Journey concert in exchange for a free beer, he wasn't just unintentionally requesting a new energy company without proper authority, he was trying to change the world. Unfortunately, the evil landlord decided to rebuke Scott's request and retain the services currently provided. The landlord went as far as to temporarily steal Scott's identity in order to cancel the requested services with the angels over there at Green Mountain. So...eat shit Cohlby.

Heywood Herald Vol. II

Whoa, we're nearing the end of the month and we all know what that means: Heywood Herald Time! In this edition, we're going to cover important issues, clear some dirty air and, of course, announce the all-important roommate of the month.

ISSUES

Issue #1: How many people can comfortably use my bathroom? With the recent renovations to Cohlby's bathroom, my water house has become the social hub of the Forest Moon of Endor. Lonely? Need someone to talk to? Try my bathroom! There's at least 6 people, an Ewok and my underwear in there. "It's a lot of fun," John Nicholson, a graduate student from Dallas, said, "It's like I never left the lacrosse locker room."

Issue #2: A real hole in the wall... Remember that wall that used to be in the living room? Now I walk in the living room and feel lost and aimless, what should I do?

Issue #3: Bears. They are godless killing machines.

Issue #4: Cohlby and I sharing a bed. I woke up this morning and Cohlby and I were about an inch away and facing each other. I couldn't help but notice how peaceful he looked as his hot breath caressed my shoulders. Then I had a dream that Cohlby was a pirate and my dong was his pegleg.

WHACKY CONTEST:

I'm challenging each of you to come up with the best prank to play on that new guy that's moving in, Writer McNotkat...or whatever his name is. The winner will be given a definite leg up for the August ROTM Award. Originality and creativity will be taken into consideration, so get plotting!

HeyWood Ya?!

We here at the Herald have decided to rename our Suggestions section "HeyWood Ya?!" So here we go:

• John: Now that you have a job, start bringing home food for the rest of us, HeyWood Ya?!
• Kat: It seems my plea last month for more hot friends has been overlooked. So we playing the opposite game here or what? Fine, bring less hot friends, HeyWood Ya?!
• Cohlby: HeyWood Ya mind getting your own damn room. And one more thing, don't kiss me in the morning. Your breath is unforgivable.
  

ROTM (Roommate of the Month)

OK. No more wasting your time, here's the moment you've been waiting for. Your votes are in and the Roommate of the Month award goes too.......Cohlby's Mom!!!!!!!! Providing seemingly endless support (and food) for every one in the house, Carrie is hands down the most valuable roommate out of any of the recipients of this e-mail*. So make sure you thank her this week for your full belly and lifted spirit. IMPORTANT: Please note that Mark Youtsey is not in contention for this award, otherwise no one else could ever win. That guy could organize a merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen...while palming a medicine ball...and doing the makeup for the Planet of The Apes movies.

*NOTE: I don't receive this e-mail.

Farewell

Lastly, the editors here at The Heywood Herald would like to extend an Adios to one of our earliest subscribers, Kat Walker. We'll sure miss you around here Kat. Good night, and good luck.

Cheers.

Originally written 7/24/08

This Month On Heywood

Roomies,

This is the first installment of my monthly "Heywood Herald" where I give a few updates, make suggestions and announce the coveted Roommate of the month award.

First of all, welcome back everyone! I certainly enjoyed the few days of solitude and trying on y'all's clothes. I hope you all enjoyed your breaks, and I look forward to spending a few days with everyone til we go our separate ways again. Here's a few updates:

• Kat's alive
• John bought Guitar Hero Aerosmith edition
• I signed up for NetFlix, so we'll be getting a constant influx of Blu-Rays and DVDs now. If there's anything y'all have been wanting to see, let me know and I'll get it.

Here's a few suggestions:

• Cohlby--Since you've been gone I've been doing all your chores. Dishes, trash, basic upkeep, my laundry--You need to step up your game, I'm not going to cover for you anymore. I've talked to everyone else, and we're tired of carrying you around like dead weight. Earn your keep, dick.
• John--Get a job.
  
• Kat--Bring home more hot friends.

This month's Roommate of the Month Award goes to..........

SCOTT! That's right, Scott for his NetFlix purchase. John came in a close second, but since I haven't played the new Guitar Hero, I couldn't give you the award pal. So, be sure to thank Scott this month for his selfless purchase that we will all collectively enjoy. Want to win next month? Here's a tip.

Welp, that'll do it for this month. Let's make July an interesting month so I have something to write about in August.

Originally written 6/29/08